Well, I'm back again. Last time I was on here I tried to write things that would be interesting to the people who read it. I, of course, put waaayyy too much pressure on myself and then just quit completely. This time I'm writing for me. I want to document how hard this is, and try to put my journey into words that mean something to me.
I quit smoking in Oct of 1998, I thought that was the hardest thing I ever did. WRONG!!! This beast has such a hold on me that I don't know if I will ever be able to shake it, but I'm not giving up. There are days, weeks, months, even years that I've let the beast win. But I've decided to put up a fight. I've proven that I can QUIT something, now I need to prove that I can control something.
You can't quit eating you have to have control of your eating. That is where I struggle. I am an all or nothing person. I'm either on track or so out of control that there is no turning back. I don't have any control when it comes to food. I truly believe that if I didn't have an overeating disorder that I would have the other end of the spectrum when it comes to food issues. I know that sounds crazy, especially since I weigh 343 pounds. But I believe this to the soul of my body. I feel that I truly have an eating disorder. That being said I don't feel that gives me the right to weight almost 400 pounds!
My goal this week is to track my food. Be aware of what I'm putting in my mouth. I have an appt Thursday with a new therapist. I really hope that this one can help me. I quit going to my last one, because I felt like I was listening more to her talk then she was listening to me. I knew all about her faith, family, home schooling her kids. Which would be fine if I weren't paying her! lol! She was very nice, I just wasn't getting anything out of it. So, on to a new behavioural therapist.
We didn't make it to the gym today. Goal for tomorrow: Track all my food and get in some exercise!!!
6 months ago