Will this ever get any easier?????

UGH!!!! That is all I have to say about food today. I have been fighting the beast all day. I have been very stressed, not always in the best mood, and Saturday realized that you can never go home again. (more on that in a moment) Of course, my way of dealing with anything is to eat. That beast starts whispering in my ear about how good eatting will make me feel. I fought it off ALMOST all day. I even did well at the choir banquet tonight, then I got home and Shay's candy bars were staring me in the face. I completely caved and it turned into an all out binge. I eat FIVE candy bars, how awful and gross is that!!!! The worst part is that while I was eatting them I felt complete relief. It makes me want to cry. I now feel sick that I let the beast take over, but I can't take it back. I have an appt with Andrea (my congenitive behaviourial therapist) tomorrow, and hopefully she will be able to help. I don't know what else to do.

Back to the "you can never go home" comment. We went to two graduation parties this last weekend in our old hometown and it was very strange. These were our very close friends and it wasn't comfortable. We are all different now and conversation felt very forced. I was glad to see everyone, but it was sad to see that we didn't have much to talk about anymore. Kind of broke my heart. I already knew that I was very happy living in Lamar, but this last weekend just strengthened my love for the place.

Ok, to some happy notes. Today was Shay's Senior Choir Banquet. She received several awards. (I'll try and post a pic tomorrow) But the best award she received tonight was Outstanding Musician. We are soooo proud of her!!! She sang her Senior Solo and just about brought the house down! She did a wonderful job! Love you Shay!

So, my plan for tomorrow is to see Andrea, stay within my 37 pts, and walk at the mall with Kevin. It has almost gotten too hot to walk outside.

Have a blessed day!

Jen

5 graduation partys in 2 day!!!

Just a short note....

It's been a rough weekend food wise. Tooo many parties!!!! I'm back on the wagon as of tomorrow. Have no idea how many pts I've had in the last two days and didn't have time for any walking either.

On an up note, Shay's Baccalaureate service was fantastic. She did one of the readings and the choir sang. Our minister and his daughter has the message. I'll post pics later.

Hope everyone had a great weekend and has a blessed day!
Jen

1.6

I lost 1.6 pounds this week! It's not a huge number, but at least it is a loss. It's been a very busy, and stressful week. The beast likes to sneak up on me when I'm stressed. All I want to do is eat. So, any loss is great. I've been struggling ALL DAY trying not to overeat. Then my daughter brings home candy bars from school to sell. So, of course, that is all I've been thinking about. I've done well so far, pray that I can withstand the temptation.

Walked with Jeannie yesterday for 35 minutes and did well. I'm still having problems with my left calf muscle, but I'm working through it. Today I walked with Mary Beth. We were only able to walk for 20 min, but it was suppose to be a rest day, so any walking was above and beyond what I was suppose to do, lol!

Tonight we went to our niece, Ashley's, high school graduation. It just blows my mind that the girls are graduating. Ashley is 20 days younger than Shay. Last night was Shay's last high school choir show. Trying to concentrate on the begin of a new stage in life and less on the ending of her childhood. It's tough for a mom, and my instinct is to stuff these feelings with food. This week will be a test of my ability to deal with my emotions and not eat them. Shay graduates next Sat afternoon, so the next week is going to be extremely busy, and full of food. We have 4 graduation parties tomorrow alone! lol! Then another one on Sunday. Going to do my level best to make good food choices.

My plan for tomorrow is to stay within my 37 points, drink 6 glasses of water, and walk for 35 minutes. We are going with mom in the morning to take flowers to the cemetery's and then to visit my Aunt Kathryn. We would appreciate your prayers for her, so is having some health problems. She 73 yrs young and an amazing woman! After that, it's off to party, party, party, party! lol!

Have a blessed day!

Jen

Busy, Busy, Busy!!!!

This is going to be very short. Just wanted to touch base and say that all is well right now. Haven't journaled my food in the last few days, but I think I've done really well. I've been very aware of what I'm eatting. I have gotten 6 glasses of water in the last few days and I have a plan to walk again tomorrow with Jeannie.

This week and next are extremely busy with Shay graduating on May 29th. It's 11:00 pm right now and we just got done putting her tri-fold poster for choir together. I'll take a pic and post it soon. It turned out really well.

I posted a new pic of myself at 322, 50 pounds lighter in the same outfit as before. Let me know if you can tell any difference. Weigh in is tomorrow, so I'll update my status then. I'm extremely exhausted. Heading to bed!!!!

Have a blessed day!
Jen

5K Frustration....

Had a good day. Walked with Gayle at the church. I was suppose to walk for 30 min, but ended up walking for 40. Donnie brought the wheel over and we ran it around the large loop and the small loop. The large loop is 1343 feet and the small loop is 880 feet. There is 5280 feet in one mile. This will help us when we are walking to know how far we have gone. We walked the big loop 3 times and the small loop 3 times.

In 40 minutes, we walked 6669 feet or 1.26 miles. Not that impressive. It will still take me close to an hour and a half to complete the 5K. It is a race, but I'm trying to focus on the fact that just doing it and finishing it will be an accomplishment. I'm just very scared that if I start I won't be able to finish. I'm tired of not finishing things. But I'm even more tired of not starting for the fear of not finishing. Am I making any sense? LOL!

I was watching Joyce Meyer's today and she was talking about Satan getting in our way. I feel like he is smack in the middle of my path with this 5K. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but I just want to scream at him to move over. So, this is my platform. Get behind me Satan! The Lord knows I'm leaning on Him at this point. He will hold me up and he's given me lots of great people to help me. Just got to keep the chin up and keep moving.

I did ok with the food today. Didn't track, but think I came in really close on points. My 3 month journal is full, so I'm trying to keep track in my head until Thurs. Might have to get a notebook. Did really well with the exercise. Plan for tomorrow is to walk 35 min and stay within 37 WW pts. Also, trying to get 6 glasses of water in a day.

Have Lady's Lunch Bunch tomorrow, pray I have the will to pick the right food and not the wonderful breadsticks at Caper's. LOL!!!!

Have a blessed day!
Jen

Weekend recap.

Sorry, I haven't posted all weekend, we have been very busy. I have had a wonderful time this weekend with family and friends. For a bonus, I've done really well with my food and exercise.

Friday: I worked all day, but at lunch went to the gym. I was only able to walk for 22 min on the treadmill before my knee was killing me. I was having shooting pains in my left knee. That scared me, but I was hoping it would be a one time deal. I came in at 32 pts for the day, and was very happy about that.

Saturday: I walked at the high school track with Annie for 30 minutes. It took me 25 mins to make a mile. I wasn't really happy about the time, but I was happy that my knee didn't start hurting until the end. I think the spongy track helped. Then we went to the school pool and did 45 min of water aerobics. That was FANTASTIC!!!! I had such a good time with Annie. I was feeling very blessed to have such a wonderful friend. Then I started thinking about the fact that I have SOOOO many wonderful friends who are helping me with my walking. Not to mention how supportive my family is, it's almost overwhelming how many blessings the Lord has given me! That night we went to Mom and Dad's for Haelix's b-day party. I had one small scope of ice cream and a small piece of cake. I still came in at 36 pts for the day!

Today: This is my rest day for the walking program. We went to church and Shay sang. She's our songbird! She did a great job! Mom, Dad, Kyah, and Haelix came to church to hear her. So, the day started out great. We had a carry-in after church that I just couldn't stay for. I felt too tempted by all that good food. So, we went shopping and spent 2 1/2 hrs in Wal-mart, Maurices, and The Shoe Show. lol! So, much for the resting. Done well with the eatting today too!

Tomorrow: Already have plans with Gayle to walk after work. So, it's looking good too! I just want to thank everyone that is supporting my on my journey! THANKS SO MUCH!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

Have a blessed day!
Jen

One of those days...

I don't have a weight update tonight. I was suppose to go to WW tonight, but I was in E'ville with my kids. Had to take Shay to the dr. to get a boot for her foot. They still don't think it is broke, just a REALLY bad sprain. The boot is helping her foot to feel better though! We didn't get back to Boonville until 6:00. The meeting was over by then. So, I was a little disappointed about that, but Shay was way more important.

Seth woke-up this morning with a very swollen eye. He has poisen ivy in his eye and all over his face! Poor guy, he looked like someone had just dotted his eye for him. lol! We got drops for that this evening too.

To top the day off, I got home from work and piano lessons around 1:00 this afternoon and the house was hot. Not a good sign when you have the A/C running. Still not sure what is going on with it, Kevin worked on it and couldn't get it to cool. Have the A/C guy coming in the morning. You know when it rains it pours, lol!

Sorry for the rant, I'm working up to something here. I'm definately an emotional eatter. We've had some extended family stuff going on and then with everything that has happened today, I was listening to the food talk to me. It's been a VERY hard food week. Anytime I'm stressed, happy, made or upset at all I turn to food. That is my out. I start thinking negative thoughts and thinking that the food will make me feel better. (it doesn't, but that is what i am thinking) Well, today when I got home and the A/C wasn't working I started eatting. Then when Kevin got up he called me on it. He wasn't mean about it, but he said you're starting to binge. It was like a lightbulb going off. I just stopped. I didn't get mad. I just stopped. Not to say that at another time I wouldn't get upset, because if I'm in the throws a binge HUGE binge I do get mad when he says something. But it was really nice to have him check me this time. I hadn't gotten too far and was still able to pull the reigns in. Thanks babe! Love you!

Tomorrow I'm back to walking and already have a date with Mary Beth for lunch time. Going to drink my water and track my food.

Have a blessed day!

Jen

Last band concert....

Shay's last band concert was tonight. They did soooo well! I was so proud of her. I'm very glad that she stayed with band, she has so many good friends and good memories over the last 6 yrs. (including jr high) She is a very talented girl! Just wanted you to know how proud I am of you! Love you, Shay!

This year is so full of first and lasts! Shay's high school career is soon to be over, but her adult life is only beginning. I kind of feel the same way about my weight loss. This is the last year I will ever be in the 300's and I'm very ready for my life to begin. I've been in a holding pattern watching life pass me by. Under all of this weight there is a very adventurous person. I'm ready to live that life. I'm ready to start having people want to be like me, instead of me wanting to be like other people.

I went for a walk with Gayle today and she was telling me how proud she was of me. I was really confused by this, because in my eyes I haven't done anything worth feeling pride yet. She continued to say that she could not walk as far as I do if she had another person on her back. I am carrying another person with me ALL the time, but I'm trying to shed that person. That is something to be proud about. Thanks Gayle for the inspiration today!

As for my goals, I walked 26 mins today, but didn't do a very good job tracking my food. I'm going to work on that tomorrow. I, also, have a walking date with Lisa tomorrow. So, tomorrow is looking on track. Well, I need to go work on my bible study.

Have a great day!

Jen

Food, it's a love/hate relationship

We can't live without eatting, and most food tastes really good. I just wish that I had that normal, "OK you are done for a while" voice. For the last two days all I have thought about is the food I shouldn't have. Doughnuts, candy bars, chips, etc, etc. It is enough to drive a person to distraction.

I imagine this is how drug addicts feel about there drug of choice. They love the way it feels when they are getting their fix, but then hate themselves for wanting and NEEDING it so badly. That is how I feel about food. When I'm on the hunt for exactly what I'm craving or in the middle of eatting the delicious food I'm high, but then shortly after (and sometimes during) I hate the fact that I let myself binge. I have to eat to live, but I don't. I LIVE TO EAT!!!!!

Case and point, I've been fighting this thing for two days, then this evening I just gave in. I eat the rest of the Baked Doritoes and the last piece of Angel Food cake. I know, this wasn't a full on binge, but I still just couldn't control it. I just hope some day that I will get past this and be able to have a normal relationship with food! lol!

I haven't walked in two days, but will be back on track tomorrow. My daughter fell and sprained her ankle very badly, so that kind of put a damper on my plans for today. Hope you are up and feeling better soon, Shay!

Plan for tomorrow is: Start over with journaling my food, get a 26 min walk in, and see Andrea (my behavioural therapist). Should be a great day!

God Bless,
Jen

1 MILE!!!!

Since I last blogged I've lost another 4.6 pounds! I was sooo happy, that brings the grand total to 51 pounds. I have a before pic at 372 I need to post and I'm going to put the same outfit back on a take another pic to post. I'm interested to see if you can tell a difference yet. Lisa told me today that she is able to tell a difference, that made my day! Thanks, Lis!

Today I hit another big mile stone. I walked a mile in 19 MINUTES!!!!! I've been so worried about how long this 5k was going to take and I was really happy with my time today. I actually walked for 26 minutes with Shay. We have a wonderful spot to walk at Lincoln Boyhood and the weather was great.

I love walking with Shay. She is a great person. I know that a lot of teens don't want to spend time with their parents and when they do they are completely quiet. But not my Shay, she shares things with me that most kids wouldn't with their parents. She is a much better teen then I was. LOL!!! But it is true. We have found a good balance between parent and friend. I am the parent and she respects that, but because I respect her she will come to me as a friend. Not to say that we haven't bucked heads or that I'm not the bain of her existance at times. But all in all, the teen years haven't been bad and I'm going to miss her like crazy next fall! Love you ShayShay!!!

Hope you all are having a wonderful Sat!
Jen

It's a family thing...

Let me start this post by saying the I have a wonderful family. A fanastic, hard working husband, 2 awesome kids, wonderful parents, siblings and in-laws. I am a truely blessed individual. God has smiled on me.

Tonight was Shay's senior band banquet, Kevin pulled himself out of bed after only 6 hrs of sleep to come, (he is working 12 hr shifts all week 10pm-10am) what a great dad! Mom and Dad both came, also. We had Fazoli's for supper, and I did a lot better than I thought I would. I offered to get my dad's dessert and Shay jumped up and said that she would get it so I wouldn't be tempted! What a great girl!

So, back to the title of this post. My life is very wrapped up in my family and I'm glad, but there are family traits that I wish I didn't have. Dad read "The Beast" post and told me tonight that he understood completely. I figured he did, but to hear him say it was something different. I see the beast in Seth and it scares me. This is one family thing that I don't want to pass on to him. I know that I have taught Seth some bad eatting habit, but I believe to the core of my being that some of this is genetic. We have some kind of addiction gene. I don't see it in Shay, but I do with Seth. I got many great traits from my father that I have passed on to my son, but I'm hoping to stomp this one into the mud.

I did really well on my points today. I only used 29 out of 37 pts. I was really worried about supper, lol! I got a 24 min walk in and then did 30 crunches this evening.

Have a blessed day!

Jen

An inspiration!

We had a great, slow weekend. We didn't go anywhere, but church for 2 whole days. That is amazing for us. Alicia, Tim, and Dalton came over Sat night and we all played Clue, (Kevin won, of course) we had a great time. I took a nap BOTH days. I never take naps. Guess I was trying to find some of that sleep I lost last week. lol!!!

Today has been a really good day, at moments. I went to the gym at lunch. When I say gym, I mean the room with gym equipment in our community center. We are rural, we don't have a big gym within 20 miles of us. But it's nice and I was the only one there, even better! I wanted to walk for 24 mins, but just after 10 mins I was done. My legs were screaming. I was walking at a 2.8. (which is fast for me). Then I worked with the free weights and rode the bike for another 10 mins. I got a really good workout, but I was very upset about the walking. I'm suppose to walk a 5K on June 12th. I was thinking, how in the world am I going to make it 3.1 miles when today I couldn't even make it 11 mins??? This, of course, was one of the low moments of the day. I was really upset about it.

Then I came home and started watching last weeks Biggest Loser. They were doing a 5K. Most of the walkers/runners made it in under 1 hr. So, I'm sitting there still thinking there is no way I'm going to be able to walk a 5K. Then, the day started to turn around. One of the walkers hadn't made it to the finish line yet. This poor woman was having such a hard time that her daughter was walking in front of her and she was holding onto her daughters shoulders for support, but she never quit!!! She said that she uses the scooter at Wal-mart, because she can't even walk long enough to get her groceries! By now I was crying. If this courageous woman can walk a 5K, so can I! She finished the race, it took her over 2 hrs, but she finished. I will finish too! I don't care if I'm the last one to cross the line. Thank you Lord for helping me break through my fears!!!!

Food wise I've done really well today. I'm in at 31 points and I earned 5 pts for the exercise. My plan for tomorrow is to go back to the gym and try again. Tomorrow night is the band banquet at the high school, and then Wed is the Mother/Daughter Banquet at church. Lots of food!!! Wish me luck!!

Have a great day!
Jen